An Essay: Why I Photograph (Fall 2011)

For me, the “what” and the “why” of photography are inseparable. Process is a significant part of the “why”. My propensity for dissolving boundaries, situational immersion, and cultivating relationships not only precede my use of the camera but provide much of the impetus behind my impulsive decision to incorporate photography into my life.

 I started photography with the intention of telling stories. Documentary-style photography opened my eyes to the non-prosaic use of photography and my first mentors were of that tradition. It was for me the obvious and natural photographic direction to pursue. “Access” was the word used by mentors and peers to describe, what was for me, experiences resulting from being vulnerable, forthright, and deeply interested in the world around me. I didn’t scrutinize what was different about my personal engagement with people (or now “subjects”); I just attempted to assume the role of photographer-biographer-sociologist.

I’ve grown to make photographs that are more psychological and less descriptive. This shift is a response to a better understanding of my engagement with my subjects. I undeniably have a deep interest in “the truth” about those I photograph, but my irrepressible tendency to become part of my subjects’ lives or to develop into a character in their story is a reality and an approach that interests me.

My practice and relationship with photography are evolving because of this new understanding. What remains at the core are the relationships and connections developed throughout a project or “session.” These are a vital and defining aspect of my work and provide immeasurable inspiration and depth to my photographic life. Working in such an extreme, intimate, personal and emotive manner also presents challenges and risks—loss of perspective or point-of-view, emotional exhaustion, distraction, or unintentional deviation. As I relinquish the storytelling in my photography, I have begun embracing the diaristic and performative elements of my approach.

Attention and chance are an integral part of my process. This intersection, or collision, brings complexity and singularity to my photography. I love the challenge of engaging, being present, and being consumed by the pictures I see or am trying to see. As humans we look, we see, but we aren’t always aware of this process. As a photographer, I approach a photograph with an assumption, an idea, an opinion, or an emotion, though (ideally) not to the point of obstinacy. I want to be able to take advantage of the fact that the camera allows me to make something instinctively and nearly instantaneously. Photography for me is a dance between concept/reason, seeing, reacting, and capturing the fleeting or unknown. Being fluid between these modes facilitates a dialogue between my work and myself that challenges and inspires refinement from concept to representation. As I hone my attention, which I consider intentional observation, I “meet” chance more often and it becomes more germane in the work. Ideally, the work becomes more demanding and compelling.

If you look at a photograph, and you think, 'My isn't that a beautiful photograph,' and you go on to the next one, or 'Isn't that nice light?' so what? I mean what does it do to you or what's the real value in the long run? What do you walk away from it with? I mean, I'd much rather show you a photograph that makes demands on you, that you might become involved in on your own terms or be perplexed by. - Duane Michals

In my photography, just as in my life and relationships, I want to walk on the edge and take them out of their comfort zone. I am wired to provoke. By provoke I mean motivate, fuel, affect, challenge, and inspire. I strive to know and thoughtfully express my intentions, beliefs, and feelings—I always have. My directness and provocation, combined with deep caring and intimacy, might seem like a dichotomy, but they are interdependent. I want to negotiate the line between overt and perplexing. I believe intentionally creating confusion may prompt the viewer to read an image in a variety of ways, and more importantly, allow them to recognize what judgments, feelings, perspectives, and experiences they are bringing to the viewing experience. Through photography, I want to first incite a feeling and let that guide the cerebral response.

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

― Anaïs Nin